Ramblings of a Confused Guy

Originally posted – November 12, 2018

In just a few hours I will begin my 58th year on this planet. Sometimes I wonder what that moment was like when I got pushed out into this world to start my journey. Was their joy, fear or a simple feeling of “here’s another mouth to feed.” My brain woke me up at 4am this morning and I haven’t stopped grinding out the thoughts yet. So much that my mind questions, assumes, fears and wants to scream about but I never say it out-loud. Why is that?

[pause the rambling] I decided to move to the living room where I’d be more comfortable writing. Of course, I got distracted by shiny things like the dishes that needed to be put away after drying all night and the garbage that needed to be emptied. Of course there was the moment where I realized that coffee would be good this morning so I had to put on the kettle etc. But I’m back now…

Why don’t I write what i’m feeling? I have thought about it so many times, but there is so much fear about reactions to what I have to say that it keeps me silent and sets me up for mornings like today where my brain just won’t shut off.

57 years does not seem long. 57 years seems like I should feel old. 57 years certainly has had moments where I realize that my body is 57 years old but this is the life we live. I would say that 85% of the time, if you asked me, I would say that I love my life, my life is great, I am blessed and that I wouldn’t change a thing. The other 15% is a totally different story, but maybe I’ll talk about that another time.

Laying in bed this morning I was wondering if anyone would mention my birthday on Facebook today. Ok, my actually thought was to write a post on facebook thanking them for reminding people about my birthday because without that reminder, no one would even notice. The facebook posts are nice but they are a reminder that people often only think of me when they are reminded and for whatever reason decide to make a comment to me. Over the years I’ve wondered why people go to funerals when they never made any effort prior to the persons death to be involved in their life. I guess part of it is making themselves feel better because they are being respectful and maybe they have a relationship with a family member, but I think birthdays are different.

I’ve always viewed my birthday as the most important celebration of the year because it is the day I came into existence. The day that the world started getting to know me, the person known as Douglas. According to one website the weather was 11 degrees and sunny. I guess that was a good start.

What have I learned over the last 57 years? I’ve learned a lot of great stuff and a lot of shitty stuff. I’ve been treated well and I’ve been treated badly. I’ve made good decisions as well as making some bad one’s. I’ve grown, in many ways and I’ve shrunk is some ways too…thank goodness.

Life is an interesting thing and it has had great moments, so-so moments and some really bad moments. Okay…some horrible moments too. I will continue to strive to make life the best it can be and thankfully I have been given another year to work on that. I am incredibly blessed to have two of the most amazing daughters that any man could wish for and I will continue to support them in their lives, whatever direction they take. Support from a parent is incredibly important. I am thankful to have found my hobby of weaving. It gives me something to do with my hands and I love creating beautiful things from scratch without the pressure of perfection which has often ruled my life in the past.

I am me, I am a gay man (I don’t often label myself as this and I’m not sure why but that is something I will write about in another post.) I am a father, I am a lover not a fighter, I am a human being with feelings and thoughts and I guess I’m learning, after 57 years, that that’s ok. People don’t have to like or be comfortable with my words, but I hope they can respect me enough to read and really listen for the message.

Happy Birthday Douglas! I hope the next year of your life is full of joy, peace and love.